Yes, I did come back ..

If the only way you know me is through this blog, you might be thinking I decided to stay in Central America. I did come back. Had an amazing time, which you can hear all about by subscribing to The Green Planet Monitor. I'm working on my last story and sending it to Dave, my producer this week. And the, no more trips until Dave and/or I write another grant for another infusion of travel funds.

BTW,the picture above is taken from a mountaintop in Honduras .. I love Honduras .. I need to go back there again. But for a while, I think I'll hang around home a bit more.

I was thinking today about how my life has changed since I began this blog. It was in June of 2005. Marriage had quickly and unexpectedly self-destructed the previous December. My friends Tim and Simone invited me to come down to Bear River, Nova Scotia to get some perspective by the Bay of Fundy. Then, back home to the arduous task of disassembling 20 years of marriage, selling the house, dividing the stuff, yelling at the gods ...

Then, two years of rootlessness. By choice. Summer in Vancouver, the fall in south Asia, back to Hamilton in 2007, where I have been ever since. With some really great trips to Central America, Africa, Nova Scotia again ...

Five years later, reflecting back .. it's been hard. (though I have to say, if your heart has to break, no better place to mend in than in the Himalayas. Or on the Serengeti. Or even having a drink between planes at Heathrow). And, even though I responded by living life large, it still took a long time to be where I am right now ... happy again, making a living, doing work that I love, with lots of people in my life I love and who love me.

It's all working out ... think I'll get back to doing some more writing here .. I've been mostly concentrating on writing material that brings in money. And that's important but so is the stuff I do for myself. So, hi again ... time to get back into the habit of writing just for me. And you, my friends who visit here to see what I'm up to these days ... (though most of you know because you're all on Facebook .. blogs aren't so essential these days. how times change ...)

Big Changes, Big Travel

It's a condition of our time .. too many blogs, too much Facebook, too much Twitter ..

Well no, I'm not going to say it's Too Much, because I just love this new internet environment. But it does mean it's hard to get everything done. And as usual, my businessy, arty blogs get more attention than this one, my personal reflections.

I originally set up this blog as a way for all my friends to stay connected when I'm on the road. Time for me to heat it up again, because I am once again GOING ON THE ROAD!

Not until the new year. I need some time to sort things and get rid of all the things I never should have packed up and kept in storage last time. And I need time to develop the plan. Which so far includes house-sitting in Toronto, a trip to Guatemala, a few months on either the west or the east coast doing my audio art camp again.

And I would dearly love to spend some time in Montreal studying with Montreal's famed electroacoustic composers. Especially Eldad Tsabary, who I had a brief and wonderful time with a couple of weeks ago studying Ear Training for the Electroacoustic Composer (including games like Name that Frequency. Is it 5000 khz, or 7,000?)

In the meantime, I am continuing to build business doing podcasts for clients. And building a new organization focussing on Media Arts and Social Engagement. Theoretically I'll be able to work anywhere there's a high speed internet connection.

It's all good .. I'm enjoying the present and really looking forward to the future.

Love
Victoria

The Nature of Progress

For the first time in my life, I decided that I was going to go to the gym on a regular basis.

That was last August. The first few months (until about December) were really, really painful. The minutes dragged by so slowly, my legs complained at me constantly. I ran out of breath. I could run for maybe a minute at a time at a speed of about three and a half miles an hour (which isn't even a fast walk) before I had to drop my speed back. My heart rate maxed out at 140 once I approached a 4 mph ... it was working hard.

Well, today I ran at four and a half miles an hour for five minutes without stopping (hey, I know it's not marathon standard but really good for me). I even got up to 2 minutes at 5 mph. I couldn't get my heartbeat to go over 140 even at that speed .. at 3.5, it barely went over 118 today.

And as I ran and walked I reflected on how much harder I have to work now to get the same result (actually I wasn't so much reflective as pissed off). Somehow it just didn't seem fair. Do I have to keep working so damn hard ALL the time?

But that's what happens. I do more and more, and expect more and more from myself. And how often do I stop and look at what I can do now that I couldn't do last summer, and compliment myself on how great I'm doing?

That's what I am realizing. I will always expect a lot of myself. When I achieve one milestone, I will constantly look ahead to the next one. And that's good .. as long as I remember to appreciate where I am at this moment and allow myself at least a little bit of contentment before taking another gulp of water, mopping the sweat off my forehead and challenge myself to Five and a half miles an hour.

Living in Two Places

See! Said I would do another update!

For the past month, I have been living in two places. Half the week, from Sunday to Wednesday, I am at my friends Lil and Ronnie's. I'm housesitting for them for a couple more weeks.

Then, from Thursday to Sunday, I am back in my own place here in Hamilton.(The photo above is a winter scene from my balcony of my Hamilton home, looking over to Locke Street)

This kind of lifestyle has its challenges. But every time I do it, I am reminded that I am the kind of person who really likes this way of life. I've done it several times before .. first, when Barry was in Ottawa and I couldn't leave Hamilton yet. Then when he was in Appalachia and I didn't want to entirely leave Canada. Now I'm realizing I really like living like this.

Some of the challenges -- never knowing which place my favourite sweater is living this week. And groceries are a challenge -- inevitably, I end up packing the lettuce, tomatoes and zucchini that won't last until I come back to whatever house I am leaving. So my backpack tends to be heavy. And it always takes me a few hours to acclimatize to whichever place it is I'm at.

The advantages -- I see a lot more of my friends. It makes my Hamilton friends seem more special because I don't get to see them all the time (absence makes the hearts grow fonder). And I get to spend time with my Toronto friends, many of whom I haven't seen in a long, long time.

The change of scenery really shifts my perspective and gets me thinking about change .. too easy to get "settled" and dull in one place. At least it is for me.

I want to keep on living like this. I won't be able to afford to live in too many places. But I do want to have two homes .. one here in Southern Ontario and one in Bear River, Nova Scotia. And fill it in with invitations to housesit for friends in other parts of the country and even the world.

I am really glad that my business (Sound Out Media -- multimedia productions for the internet) can be done any place where there is high speed ..

Living Alone - Pros and Cons

This isn't my house ... it's a friend's in Appalachia


I've been living alone for the first time over the past year since I was 25. This morning as I got up and drank my coffee, I got thinking about what I like and also don't like about this. Here's my summary.

What I love:

*I can decorate however I want. I can use the colour pink. And lots of lace if I want.
* I can fling my stuff wherever it lands and tidy up whenever I want. Or not.
* I don't have to negotiate space for my stuff and his stuff.
* I can have quiet and not talk whenever I don't want to.
* being able to concentrate on work without interruption.

What I don't love:

* waking up by myself
* cooking for somebody else .. I love cooking but I need an appreciative audience
* not having somebody to share morning coffee with. I end up drinking the whole pot myself and then I'm on caffeine overdrive all day.
* having to hang pictures, move heavy furniture and do all the household stuff by myself
* those wonderful spontaneous conversations which break out at unexpected times.

I think conversation is what I miss most of all. And the hugs too. For now, I like living by myself but I don't think I want this forever. That's been a bit of a shift in the last couple of months ... it's a good space to be in .. content but looking ahead to the day when I might want a change.

Rethinking Appalachia

There are many places I have yet to write about. One of those places is Appalachia, where me and my then-husband Barry lived, from 2000 until 2002.

I am about to go back to my dozens of sound files that I recorded when I was down there .. square dances, old time fiddle music, clear mountain springs high enough that the pollution couldn't get to it ... the distinctive accent, the coal trucks, the clicking and hissing of mountain bugs on sweaty hot summer nights.

If things go according to plan (that is, if my arts funding comes through), I will be starting to create a documentary poem with my good friend Angelyn deBord. Ange is a mountain woman, born in North Carolina, who has lived almost all of her adult life in a hundred year old house on a mountaintop. She's an accomplished writer, actor, painter, storyteller and she's now learning how to play the fiddle. It will be wonderful to go to Angie's mountain and work with her again.

It will also be a time to process my own thoughts and feelings about a time which was very beautiful, transformative, full of of good things. But also full of challenges. We happened to move down there two weeks before the first US stolen election, and we also lived there when the planes hit the towers. There was a kind of intensity that was hard to put into perspective .. and a very good opportunity for insight into what America really is as opposed to what it says it is. Revealing, but also disturbing on a number of levels ...

It was also the beginning of the end of my 23 year marriage. I wonder sometimes if we would have split up if we hadn't gone down there, and whether it really was a good idea.

But that's hindsight .. and now there are stories to write ... I almost feel ready ... almost ...

Lessons in Patience

Trying to slow down for a good look around


The other day a friend of mine and I drove past a garden shop. They were advertising Impatiens for .69 cents. My friend said "you sure don't need any of those. You're already impatient enough".

I have never been known for my patience. I attribute it partially to my background working on current affairs shows. I could often get three stories chased down and written in the time it was taking others on the show to finish one. My secret ... know when it's not going to happen and move on to the next one.

It is very useful to know when to cut and run. But to live a truly balanced life, one must also have the capacity to sit and wait. And I'm not good at that. Especially right now. The last three years in my life have been one of those phases where growth took place slowly, (if at all, sometimes it seemed .. things moved so slowly for a while there that I think they were actually going backwards).

And now things are just bursting wide open. All kinds of exciting possibilities. Great things happening .. it's kind of like Christmas. So much to open, so much to be excited about. I want it all. NOW.

I am very consciously trying to slow myself down, telling myself that everything still takes time even when time is travelling at a dizzying pace. So much value in slowing things down a bit.

So I try to meditate (never have been very good at it), try to live in the moment, try to tell myself that some things are still going to take their sweet time. And not drinking as much coffee ... I am like a madwoman on four cups of coffee in the morning.

Ah yes, this quest for patience.

The biggest challenge is that I want more patience NOW.

So What's Up With That?

If you're a Facebook friend of mine, there is a 50% chance you are also a Facebook friend of Barry's. We have a lot of overlap. Some of you are casual friends, but a lot of you are pretty good friends. So as you watch his status updates come in and then watch mine, you may be wondering "what's up with them?".

And also a lot of you have warm concern for both of us. And that is lovely. So, as I try to make myself NOT look at his page (and don't often succeed), I still find myself wondering things like "how the hell did he find an internet connection when he's on a bus in White River?". (Though if anybody could find an internet connection in the middle of the bush, it's him)

I'm not going to pretend I don't care, but I wanted to reassure all of you who care about me (and him) that I'm doing alright. It's another stage in a letting go that is getting less and less difficult all the time. Every now and again, a big wave will come and knock me over .. which is what is happening this week. But the waves are getting smaller and smaller with calmer seas in the middle.

It hurts to watch him go. I'm not at the point yet where it doesn't hurt any more (looking forward to that day, though ..) I am also glad he's going ... we met out in BC. His family is there. Regardless of whether or not this particular new relationship works out (ho, man, this guy falls in love easy ...), BC is home.

I always kind of felt like I dragged him back here to Ontario .. I don't think he really liked it here (he hated Toronto for the longest time). And he adores his mother. She is 80 and it is really good that he is going to be closer to her. And his brother and sister, his nieces and nephews. He seemed very alone out here, even when he was with me. So it's good he's going back to a place that feels like his.

Something else some of you might have noticed ... Barry started a Facebook group called "Bring Barry Home". He explains that he's been sick over the past year and very broke and he needs some help right now with relocation costs. When I saw it, my first reaction was guilt ... like, it's my fault. And then a bit of anger because I thought it might reflect badly on me ("she took him for everything he's got" .. which is not true). All irrational stuff ... as I remind myself not everything is about me.

Then I took a few minutes and let compassion settle in. He's had a rough time of it, just in a different way than me. And throughout our whole separation, he's been pretty honourable for the most part. And reading through his request for help, I realized that five years ago, he would never, ever, ever, have asked for help from anybody but me. And often, not even me. What this shows is that there is growth happening. He is trusting people. And that is so good.

And however mad I still get at him, I do have to acknowledge that he has helped many, many people over the years. He very rarely asks for anything for himself. I support him in his efforts to reach out .. I am not contributing to the fund myself because I don't think he wants me to. And my first instinct is to rush in and save him (a hard habit to break after 22 years together). I can't do it. But I hope that others do.

As for me, I know I have to stop looking at his damn Facebook page. And I have to leave living of his life to him. Time to butt out (as several of my friends have been sternly reminding me .. after I post this, I am fully expecting at least two people to chime in and remind me to get back to work. They're right ...

Time to take care of myself. It's not about him anymore. It's all about me. For now. Maybe some time it won't be just about me, but I think it's going to be a long time before I get seriously involved with anyone ever again. It's all still pretty raw ..

I always believed that I could maybe find somebody as good as Barry. But never better. It's not that I have to stop loving him .. it just means that I have to learn how to do it differently.

It's a good thing that he's going back ... and it's time for me to butt out ...

Opting back in

Well, I am becoming a member of North American (read:consumer) society again. I now have my own apartment (haven’t moved in yet but that will happen next Monday), I am now typing this as I wait for Cogeco Cable to go through their exceedingly long voicemail message that explains that I am liable for everything and they are liable for nothing. I cannot get exit this message because if I hang up they will not hook up my cable and internet, which makes the fifteen minutes I’ve already been on the phone signing up rather pointless. It is very, very, very boring. So I am updating my blog at the same time.

Living by society’s rules is really complicated. It has been much easier with no home and wandering around from place to place with no bills but my Visa card to pay so that I can do more travelling. I like being a gypsy. I am going to miss it.

Fuck … this message isn’t over yet … pardon my profanity. I don’t like businesses which waste my time like this. I don’t need them to read a whole contract to me OVER THE PHONE!

So I’ve put down the phone and let the recorded message blather on.

Even though I’ve opted back in, I’m still undecided about how much to do it Okay, an apartment for now is the way to go. For now. Until I can establish an intentional community with likeminded people. It will happen but it's a few years off. And I don't know where it's going to be yet. And I have to have communications services. I will have to do that even in my intentional community Shangr-la. Some things are inevitable. But I don’t have to shop at Walmart or at the mall. I don’t have to buy into consumerism to the degree that I used to think I had to.

I’m thinking that I want to buy little, and bank my money for travelling. Forget RRSP’s – at my age it’s not going to do me much good. I was listening to one financial advisor on the radio who pointed out that in order for most Canadians to live the Freedom 55 lifestyle, they’d need at least half a million dollars in RRSPs when they retire. And the average Canadian RRSP savings is $40,000. I think I’m just going to have to take my chances and trust grace and luck to get me through my old age. And thank god people in Ontario don’t have to retire at 65 because I’ll be working until I drop dead.

Update -- Fifteen minutes later. The annoying dial-a-contract message is STILL going. So I hung up. Wonder if they'll tell me I can't have cable now. My god, read me House of Commons proceedings instead. It would be a lot more interesting compared to this. Hope this telecontract thing doesn’t become a trend. If the pollution and wars don’t get us, these big corporations are going to bore us to death.

Tonight’s contacts with the big wide world of North American commerce has reaffirmed something that I already knew … that I don’t want to deal with big corporations any more and will do business with ordinary people except in cases where I can’t avoid it.

(I am unusually crabby today … probably because I woke up annoyed because my body was telling me it was 8:00 and the clock said it was already 9. I'm also bitchy because somebody decided to make daylight savings time happen 3 weeks early. Daylight savings time is not supposed to start when the snow is still on the ground. It ain't natural)

I really must be careful …. this last 18 months has been a welcome holiday from frustration and cynicism. The challenge is to maintain that spirit … and to discover how I can opt out spiritually while opting in to those things that I need – like services of big companies that do phones, internet and rent apartments. And to enjoy the good things about Western society without letting the not-so-good things drag me down.

It's truly a spiritual challenge, it is.

Going Home to Hamilton

I'm slowly making my way back to Hamilton. It's taken me a long time to figure out where I wanted to be. Last year at this time, I figured I was gone for good. I'm in Toronto right now but watching the apartment ads every day to find a place to call home.

Most of my friends are supportive of my decision to go back, and a couple of them are not. The ones who aren't are former Hamiltonians themselves who have left and I guess didn't have that great an experience when they were there.

That's not me, though. I love Hamilton. When I first moved there is 1992 to work at CFMU (McMaster University's radio station), no less than 6 people in the first week called me and said "hi, remember me?" They were all people who I had known in other cities. And I have always found it so easy to make friends in Hamilton. Something about the city .... I just like being there.

It's also about the character of the town. There are ghosts, there is mafia and biker gangs. There are people with PhD's and salt of the earth folks who are good people who just want to make a little bit of difference in the world.

Hamilton's different from Toronto, Vancouver and Ottawa. Because there's no real upper crust in Hamilton (well, okay, now that Ancaster is part of Hamilton, there are a few people who think they're upper crust. But that doesn't go very far downtown.

In terms of the work I do, it's a great city. Cities that don't see the need to change don't have much use for social change work. In Hamilton, everybody knows that a lot has to change. And while some would look at the problems of poverty as an insurmountable problem, I see it as an indication that there is so much useful work that can be done here.

Not that there isn't work to be done in every city ... but it is harder to do social change work in cities that don't want to face the idea that changes are needed. The prettier and richer the city, I find, the harder it is for the people who live there to look beyond the facade. In Hamilton, a lot of people are open to new ideas. Not everybody of course, but we voted him out last time around.

So I am going back to the city with more waterfalls than anywhere else in North America. And more pitbulls than any other city in North America. And a beautiful harbour. And steel mills that are both scary and beautiful at the same time.

I think that's a good way to describe Hamilton ... scary and beautiful at the same time. And real down to earth and a great place to live.

In the Middle of Nowhere

Sometimes I google a phrase and see what comes up. Today I googled the phrase "staying with pain" .. tough day today. And I landed upon a page called Electronic Iraq and I found these words by the late Tom Fox, one of the men from the Christian Peacekeeping Team who was imprisoned along with Jim Loney and Harmeet Singh .. they were freed but Tom Fox didn't make it out.

There are a lot of brave words here, and also words which express the difficulties of peacemaking work. Amazing words from an amazing man ...

"The ability to feel the pain of another human being is central to any kind of peacemaking work. But this compassion is fraught with peril. A person can experience a feeling of being overwhelmed. Or a feeling of rage and desire for revenge. Or a desire to move away from the pain. Or a sense of numbness that can deaden the ability to feel anything at all.

"How do I stay with the pain and suffering and not be overwhelmed? How do I resist the welling up of rage towards the perpetrators of violence? How do I keep from disconnecting from or becoming numb to the pain?

"After eight months with CPT, I am no clearer than I when I began. In fact I have to struggle harder and harder each day against my desire to move away or become numb. Simply staying with the pain of others doesn't seem to create any healing or transformation. Yet there seems to be no other first step into the realm of compassion than to not step away."

Here, Fox quotes Buddhist teacher Pema Chodron, from her book The Places that Scare You: "Becoming intimate with the queasy feeling of being in the middle of nowhere makes our hearts more tender. When we are brave enough to stay in the nowhere place then compassion arises spontaneously."

Fox adds: "Being in the middle of nowhere really does create a very queasy feeling and yet so many spiritual teachers say it is the only authentic place to be. Not staking out any ground for myself creates the possibility of standing with anyone. The middle of nowhere is the one place where compassion can be discovered. The constant challenge is recognizing that my true country of origin is the middle of nowhere."

Hope that helps when you're wonder if you're standing in the middle of nowhere. Helps me. my struggle is small compared to his was, yet his words resonate ... which means his words still live and have power.

Alive and Well in Cabbagetown

I know. I've been neglecting my blog. So have you .. not a comment from anybody in over a month. (bitch, bitch, bitch) Guess I have to go to Antarctica to get your attention.

I am nicely settling for five weeks at a generous friend's home in Cabbagetown. I am housesitting while she is away. For those of you not familiar with Toronto, Centre of the Universe, Cabbagetown is in the centre of Toronto, not far from Yonge Street, the longest street in the world (Toronto claims that Yonge Street goes all the way up to Timmins or something like that. Which is stretching it, but Toronto and Texas have a lot in common because both places are really invested in the suffix "est" .. as in biggest, longest, smartest (okay, so Texas doesn't usually claim that one).

I like Toronto. And I don't like Toronto. Just like all the other Canadians, I have an ambivalent relationship with Hogtown (Hogtown is the alternate name for the city. Cabbagetown is a neighbourhood within Hogtown). Named because it used to be the hog slaughtering capital of Ontario. And because the people in my neighbourhood were so poor they had to eat cabbages.

I like the neighbourhood. It's a place where gentrification started to take hold about 20 years ago and then slowed down. Can't say it stopped entirely, but it's a mixed neighbourhood which has both very affluent people and also the Regent Park Community Housing Neighbourhood (aka The Projects). It's a neighbourhood where the day old vegetables don't stay on the clear out rack for long in the No Frills Grocery store, which is three doors down from the shop with the high end expensive cheeses.

Much to my surprise, this area has also become a big area in Toronto for Tamil settlement. When I was in Sri Lanka, I heard a lot about the conflict and life in Sri Lanka from the Sinhalese point of view. But I never heard much from Tamils. Likely because I was mostly in Colombo, which is a different part of the country than the area where Tamils live. I went for a walk and discovered a Sri Lankan restaurant which I must check out. And an Indian/Sri Lankan grocery store with a friendly man named Mahindra behind the counter. I told him I'd like to come back and talk to him about what life is like for Tamils in his home country.

I haven't lived in Toronto since 1990, so this is a really great opportunity to take advantage of what the city has to offer. Which is a lot. Come mid-February, I will be back to my old haunts in Hamilton where gentrification is moving even more slowly than here.

Looking forward to it. And in the meantime, really enjoying being here too. There is so much to explore no matter where you are. There is no excuse to be bored in this amazing place called Earth .. no matter which part of it you find yourself in.

Write to me! All this solitude can be too much of a good thing.

Update

Okay, so I'm starting to get "where are you NOW?" messages. So this is a very practical post just for those who want to know and who can't keep track of me (I even have a hard time keeping track of where I am).

Right now I am in Burlington, heading to my parents' place for Christmas week. After a trip back to London to spend New Years Eve with friends and figure out what stuff I need to lug back with me (and exchange clothes .. I am again living with the same 12 items, which is what happens when I am on the road. So I can trade them for some new ones from my suitcase so I won't get bored).

I am now working in a very focussed way to find a new home. In January/February, I will either be in Toronto, house-sitting for a friend, or in Hamilton, staying in the same friend's Hamilton house (she will be away .. still determining if she needs me to house-sit in Toronto. If not, I will be at her place in the Hammer just off of trendy Locke Street. Cool).

My goal is to look for a place in Hamilton for the next little while ... it's a good town, rent is cheap and I have one heck of a great social network. Decided that I don't need to stay away just so that I won't run into any ghosts of my life as it used to be ...

In terms of my longer aspirations, I'm looking for a very creative solution. I am thinking that I want to do more international work, so I would really like to find a low-cost situation where I can just lock up the place for a couple of months when I am away without it costing me a fortune to pay for a place I'm only going to live in some of the time.

Still figuring out new ways to make this happen. Maybe a very compatible shared arrangement? One way or another, I am looking forward to unpacking my kitchen stuff, my pottery, my artworks, my CD's, getting my furniture back from my sister and living a life that's grounded in one place for a while. I need some more of that earth/rock energy. The Air energy has been good but it's time to quit blowing around in the wind quite so much.

Still figuring out the work situation .. I know I can make money writing but do I want the freelance lifestyle? I've been living it now for 8 years and it is starting to wear on me. Then again, it allows me a lot of freedom. So this will take a while to figure out.

I am meeting with my life coach this afternoon -- maybe I'll find some new perspectives on this. Balancing life and art .. always the challenge.

Thanks for reminding me!

I got a comment from a person I didn't even know on my last post. She said "I'd love to be able to travel like that".

In the midst of my resettlement chaos, comments like that are so helpful. So many people have said to me in the past couple of years "I would love to live your life". It's a reminder that yes, it's pretty damn good. And I have a lot to be thankful for.

Making room in one's life for gratitude is becoming increasingly important to me. It would be very easy (especially right now) for me to miss my old life ... the house, the marriage, the dog, my garden. Yet I also have to ask, which would I rather have, then or now?

In times when things aren't coming together as quickly as I would like, it's easy to wish that I could have my old life back. But it's so much better now. Not easier by a long shot, but there is now so much more scope for change.

I said in yesterday's post that I both love and loathe times of flux. I loathe it because it's just so unsettled ... no easy answers are falling into my lap. Oh, but the possibilities ... it's the feeling of wide open spaces (there's a Dixie Chicks song about that). Not being hemmed in. Expansiveness.

So thank you for reminding me that I love my life. Despite, and sometimes because of the chaos.

December newsletter

Every once and a while I send out a general letter to all my friends. I decided to start posting them here because they express a lot about the condition of my life at the particular moment I write it.

Hi friends ... so many people have been asking "so where are you?" So here's where I am:

I've been back from Asia for a month now. Finally over jet lag. Been back in Ontario fora little over two weeks. I think I sleepwalked throughout the 10 days I was in Vancouver.

Ontario was (is) a tough landing. Mostly because I have decided that my travellin' daysare over for a while and it's time to get down to the business of setting up a home,getting a job and behaving like normal people do (made more complicated by the fact thatI've never known what 'normal' looks like and still don't ...) Still in the midst of bigtransitions and trying to be comfortable living in a state of flux ... a condition that Iboth love and loathe at the same time. I'd get terribly bored if things didn't constantly change, but in recent years it's been just a little excessive even for me.

For the next few months I am staying with a wonderful friend in London Ontario, her husband and two daughters (my friend's name also happens to be Victoria ... gets really confusing when the phone rings and somebody asks for one of us .. "do you want to talk to Victoria or Victoria"?)

Over the long term, I'm pretty flexible about where I'll eventually end up living .. so if you any of you have any hot job tips, do let me know. Preferably in communications, community development or social justice work but any and all jobs will be considered. I'm getting very weary of the short contract grind, so am thinking it is time for a career shift. Into what ... ?? the million dollar question.

Right now I'm mostly concentrating on getting my post-travel stories done ... now that I'm a little less tired I am starting to think about new angles, new places to approach and new styles of writing and producing. I think I've been locked into the same way of working for a while so it's time to shift gears there too.

Our podcast series "The Green Planet Monitor" will be launched on January 8th. I likely will have some of my stories on the first editions, so please do tune in. I'll send details later, as well as updates on where my other stories finally land. On my own podcast, The House of Sound and Story, for starters.

This will also be my Christmas message. Wish I could be with each and every one of you. When I look at all the joys of my life, I think about all the amazingly wonderful people who want to share this journey with me.

Adeste Fidelis and Peace on Earth
Victoria

Reflections from a Distance

And what a distance it is. I can understand culture shock on the way into a new culture. But coming back into your own culture after being away? Seems like it should be easy.

Vancouver was easy. Then again, I was hardly awake for ten days after landing. Then I got slam-dunked back into Ontario, and real life the way I used to know it. First there were the obvious things ... looking at my bank account (yeow!), realizing I had to find a job, wondering where I am going to live, things like that. In otherwords, real life all over again. The way I used to know it.

But wait a minute. I've changed, haven't I? What about all those sparkling new insights, those aha! moments where everything made sense? Or didn't make sense but I learned to make sense of it anyway? What about all those things I learned about myself about peace, about lovingkindness, about generosity towards other people, about seeing, smelling, hearing and tasting and believing I would never ever experience the world the same way ever again?

And I realize, I'm not relating to the world in exactly the same way as I did. So yes, the goal of learning and growing and changing has been accomplished. Except now things seem a lot harder. The number of times I have asked people, so what's new, and they reply in a monotone voice "same old, same old", and I find myself thinking "but how can it be same old, same old.? Everything is new. Every day. Can't you see that?"

Well, no, maybe not everybody can. Just like there have been so many times in my life when my answer might have been "same old, same old" too. And I promise myself never ever to give that response again. But will I? Can I keep this up .. the feeling that everything is wonderous, new and exciting? That even when things are bad, they are still so, so good?

I don't know .. all I know is that for now, things have changed. And yes, I'm back in the middle of some of the same old crap that bogged me down in the past. But I know it doesn't have to now if I don't want it to.

More reflections on culture shock and culture change in my next post. Gotta help unload groceries.

The Truth about Jetlag

Yes, it really does exist. I am living proof.

It wasn't a problem for me when I got to Delhi. I'm guessing that's because I didn't have the luxury of being able to sleep for days. Being in a strange place, it's not a good idea to walk around half asleep. So I didn't.

Coming back is a whole other thing. The first two days I was my usual energetic self (though in retrospect, I think I might have been my hyper-energetic self). On Sunday, two days after my return, my friend who I am staying with told me I was really acting spacey. Like coming into a room and just standing there staring.

Yesterday (Tuesday) was the worst day of all. I woke up at 4 am, as usual this week. I read for a while then went back to sleep. For a couple of hours. Except that it was for more than a couple of hours. I woke up at 4:30 pm .. 12 hours later and in just enough time to see the sun go down.

I was starting to get really bothered by this. Because I really DO want to wake up and I also have three stories I have to work on. And, I was starting to feel like this is really abnormal and maybe I got bit by some bug over there that makes you space out and do nothing but sleep.

So I checked out Jetlag on the internet. And I found out:

* it is worse going from east to west (which I did) than west to east. Which is partially the reason why I could stay awake in India. There is a complicated reason for it, but in my addled brain state I can't express what it is
* jetlag is a physical condition, not just a psychological one. It has to do with our Circadian rhythms, the biologically programmed system to synchronize our body with the rhythms of the day. It is intimately tied into sunlight.
* jetlag is especially of concern to sports teams. If I was a betting kind of gal, I'd take a look at which team has had to come the furthest in an easterly direction and bet on the other team.
* I should be more patient with myself because it can take up to one day per time zone crossed to get back in synch again. There are about 12 hours between here and India. And 14 between Delhi and Toronto, so I may have a few more spaced-out days coming yet. It's only day 5 of my return.

And I'm going back to Ontario on Monday. Another three times zones to work through my system.

It's 8 am and I am awake now. For how long, I can only guess ... oh well, that's what I get for wanting to go zooming around in a tin can 35,000 feet in the air. Ain't natural, y'know ...

Back to High Speed Country

From the patio of my digs in Delhi


Oh joy and bliss. Fast internet. I am back in Delhi staying with the Karnai family. Just got back on a slow train from Hardiwar today ... had lots of company, lots of people who speak English to talk to.

After two weeks and a bit on the road, I have decided that there is nothing wrong with wanting to speak to people from "back home". I also discovered a good travel tip .. if you want to meet other tourists and maybe somebody from your part of the world, pick up your Lonely Planet travel guide and see what restaurants they recommend. Go there and voila! instant company.

In Hardiwar, the place to go is the Big Ben Restaurant. They serve very good Indian food but it's very western. After the previous blog post, I decided I had to get out and meet somebody. So I went to the Ben and met a group of women who are in India working on a humanitarian relief project. We went up the mountain to the Masi Devi Shrine, didn't actually go in the shrine because it was too crowded, but had a great time just hanging out on the patio and watching the monkeys fight.

I am happy to say I am FINALLY getting over the culture shock. The secret is, in my humble opinion, is to not make comparisons. Don't think of home, just be here and let this place be what it is. It is not Canada. It will never be Canada. And it doesn't want to be Canada either ...

Packing and Unpacking

Well, time for the official "on the road" part of my blog to come back. I tell all my friends, this is the best way to keep up with where I'm going to be when. And I can also refer back to it myself when I find myself asking "so where am I going today?" Or even "where I am I right now?"

I have left Windsor. Might be going back .. they'd like me to teach 2 courses next January. Radio Broadcasting and also Sound Design. Which is cool -- sound design means I get to teach some composition, which is the whole artistic side of things. but that's not until January and there are a lot of miles to go before I get to that point.

I am at my friend Ellen's in Hamilton until Friday. Ellen is a poet and has also graciously allowed me to keep my stuff in her attic. So every time I come to visit Ellen, I get to visit my stuff.

And also unload more of my stuff that I just can't carry around. I'm taking off for Toronto, South River, Ottawa for brief visits and then for Vancouver for the next few months. I am living out of a backpack -- and the backpack is still too full.

So I'm trying to figure out what I really need, rather than what would just be nice. Do I really need to bring all of my long dresses ... sorry, the hats will get crushed ... two pair of jeans really are necessary because what if I fall in the water .. that cute little black dress can come with me because it's little and very versatile. A couple of pair of earrings don't take up much space and they dress things up. Three week supply of underwear is a little excessive. And I've recently started wearing makeup again .. I am starting to acquire enough face paint to be a supermodel. I'm in radio, I remind myself. This is not necessary.

There's an art to travelling light in this world .. I'm still getting the hang of it.

Write to me! Helps keep me company on the road!

The Second Cull

Once again begins the ritual which is becoming all too familiar.

Last August it was the garage sale, where I watched as accumulated possessions from 21 years of marriage went to new homes. You know, it wasn't as hard as I thought it was going to be. I look at it now as a redistribution of wealth. We gave away a lot of our stuff. And now it's a wonderful thing to go to friends' places and see bits of my past life in their house. It's not hard any more. It's comforting.

When it comes right down to it, I did keep a lot of stuff for that faroff day when I might have something resembling a home again. My favourite pieces of furniture are at my sister's place until I need them. And I kept about 30 boxes of my favourite things -- mostly books, CDs, my pottery, favourite dishes and kitchen things. And artworks of course.

I brought a carload of stuff down with me to Windsor. Now I'm going through all that stuff again (and the few bits that I've acquired) to see what I really want to keep and what I don't.

Through it all, I am always thinking about stuff .. what we need, what we don't. What we have that enhances our life and how much we have that bogs us down. And even though I enjoy what I have, I do think about how much easier it would be if I could just throw everything in a backpack and get on the plane.

Many times in my life, I have sold just about everything and done that. And just as many times, I've packed up more than I needed and moved it many more miles than it needed to go. Only to look at some of it and ask "why did I move that 2,000 miles"? (I'm travelling a bit lighter now, having sold the baby grand piano that moved all the way from Vancouver to Toronto with us in 1987. Beautiful instrument. I sold it in 1990 after deciding it was too heavy a load to carry. I miss it, but don't miss having to have it moved)

In material terms, I have lost a lot this past year. In moments when I am tempted to yell like Job, "what more do you want from me?" I wonder if I'm headed for the cloister to pray and make cheese or something. I don't think so .. I wouldn't fit in well in a religious setting ... Even the Moonies didn't want me because I was too independent a thinker. They didn't tell me to shut up in indoctrination classes but I could tell they wished I would.

Nonetheless, renunciation has its good points too. Makes it easier to let go. And it's easier to see things clearly without all that clutter.

See you in the cloister.